Friday, May 26, 2006

The Top One Thing I Hate About New York

Now, I didn't think I was an especially short girl until the good people at Gap and Banana Republic informed me that the average lady is either 5'10" or wearing 6" Louboutin stilettos. Either way, as a sneaker-wearing munchkin, the cuffs of my jeans tend to drag on the ground. This why I hate hate hate the doormen on the UES that wash the fucking sidewalks every morning in the summer.

All so the good citizens of the York River House don't have to trudge through the same sludge as the common least for the duration of ONE block. What do they do when they cross the street? Are there UES Booties like the ones that surgeons wear in the OR? If so, I would really like to get a pair, so that my feet will stay dry on the walk to work.

New York is a dirty place, and I certainly encourage everyone to grab a broom and slap some shine on their little piece of heaven, but these guys stand in one place and pump thousands of gallons of water over the sidewalk and for what? So it will dry ten minutes later? This practice violates so many tenets that I hold dear, namely dry pants. A restaurant in Manhattan has to pay for a permit for sidewalk seating but these yahoos can use a valuable community resource to ensure my feet are wet? I am no hippie but come on, how wasteful! How purposeless and lazy! And socially, there is something about having to wait for them to notice me, and turn the hose away that is so prohibitive and rude and infuriating. It's enough to make a girl want to quit her job and move away.

Honorable Mention: Those goddamn HPV commercials, but really, they epitomize everything I hate about everything. Who knew about HPV? Me, that's who. Me and every other woman I know. And most of the men too. I can see you Merck. But trust me, that a rant worthy of a couple beers.

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